This was a hard week for me. I was reminded that life is disappointing, far more often than any of us would like. Losing James was the biggest disappointment I have ever experienced and new disappointments feel like ripping the scab off of that wound. It is hard to be vulnerable and put yourself out there. With optimism you express faith in yourself, in your choices, in your abilities. But the reality is, you might still get disappointed. That disappointment might remind you of the worst moment in your life, where you were let down in a monumental way.
It is enough to make anyone bitter towards existence, to know that rejection is always possible. That things might not work out the way imagined.
I mulled that over this week. I haven’t really put myself out there since James passed. I write here, posting thoughts and pictures that may or may not get read. It really doesn’t matter. It is a space where I think and create with freedom and optimism.
The hard part is taking those thoughts and living them. Being at peace with them. Being at peace with disappointment.
Because all the bad things CAN happen.
But it is never reason enough to retreat from life. To build walls and never leave.
I want my children to see me living bravely despite what occurred in my life; rising above the fear of failure and disappointment.
Of course, I don’t do it alone. I find that optimism again, that faith in myself in the knowledge that I am a child of God. I have a divine heritage that is a continuous reminder of my worth and potential, especially when I doubt it.
Went on a hike yesterday and had my camera settings all wrong, but I managed to get some cute profiles of the boys.
Max, 4 years
Daniel, 18 months