explorations, thoughts, and musings
There is truth whether or not you choose to believe it.
There is power whether or not you choose to partake of it.
There is light whether or not you choose to acknowledge.
Truth is all around us. Power can flow into our lives. Light illuminates all that we see.
In choosing, I feel embraced by divinity.
Welcome to this new space! For a while now, I had dreamed of having a new space where I can grow as a writer and I am so excited to finally show you the result of that pursuit. I am well aware that this space is far from perfect but I am pretty darn proud of where it is. I have a few more kinks to work out (some of my pictures didn’t transfer over from blogger so I have to manually do it) but I wanted to give myself a deadline, even if everything didn’t look EXACTLY perfect.
Doing that was a big realization for me. I get so wrapped up in my vision that I fear the act of putting myself out there. Of course I want to put my best out there, but the act of doing it alone counts as well. I forget that sometimes.
Anyways, thank you to everyone who reads my musings and supports me in all my crazy antics. It means a great deal to me.
This week has been a bit scatterbrained but we managed to fit in another visit to my in-laws little farm to visit the baby bunnies. They are getting bigger and scratchier but it is never not fun to hold them, makes me feel like a Disney princess!
Maxwell, 4 years old.
Daniel, 17 months
Lately my mind has been flitting to and fro from various ideas and aspirations. I have created a ginormous grab bag of “Things I Want to Do” and feel frustrated at its weight and discomfort. Each day I mentally go over my goals and how to accomplish them all.
There are so many things I want to do and create and write about, but the reality is that there are beautiful children to be loved RIGHT NOW. When I am fully present with them it feels otherworldly, divine.
It was depressing. I felt trapped.
I have found a personal prescription for overall health and well-being. It isn’t super fancy but has been proved over many many years of trial and error.
I need exercise.
I need creativity.
I need spirituality.
Daily.
This is on a personal level, there are obviously other things necessary like good food and time with family. But on a basic, human survival as I spend each day in charge of two little lives, these things are an elixir.
They nourish my soul and that translates into mental clarity and fortitude.
I let exercise slide because everything seemed so expensive and anyone can exercise for free right? You just have to run! But that required dredging up motivation to get up early or bundle up children. So I decided that I just didn’t get to exercise to my fullest ability for awhile.
I don’t recommend it.
Last week I decided my mental and physical health is not worth sacrificing. As soon as I started exercising consistently and intentionally I realized how flawed my logic had been. The elixir was already working! Today I sweated as I lifted weights and was pushed to do more squats than I would have ever chosen for myself. It felt so good.
I believe we are all made to create. That looks differently for each of us; building, painting, composing, sewing, gardening, or a myriad of other ways. Creativity stretches us and gives us a glimpse of the depth and complexity of our minds. I have found a love in creating through writing. Through exploring thoughts and ideas and composing them in a way that feels enlightening. I enjoy this space and sharing it with others. As I have put more into this blog, with no one compelling me but myself, I have found so much joy. I continue not because I believe that I have radical ideas that will change the world, but through writing I understand the world.
Spending time to connect more fully with my Heavenly Father on a spiritual level has never been something that costs money, but I experimented sacrificing it nonetheless. I justified that it wasn’t making that big of a difference in my life to read my scriptures or say a morning prayer daily. But it did. There is a visceral hope as I spend time communing with God. As I seek to understand Him, His plan, and my role in it, I find peace. Days without are marked with a fog that clouds my mind, every small annoyance expands to monstrous proportions. I am irritable and distant. The scriptures bring light and dispel the haze. They bring the brightness of July to a murky January day.
I am done holding unofficial test trials regarding the necessity of exercise, creativity, and spirituality in my life.
The results are conclusive.
I need them.
If I want to grow, I need them.
If I want to have peace, I need them.
If I want to be the mom I hope to be, I need them.
If I want more to give, I need them.
I want to take care of myself and turns out I don’t need permission from anyone to do that.
But I am curious…what is it that feels necessary for your your overall health and well-being? On your best and brightest days, what makes it so?
My car battery died on Monday; thankfully I was parked right next to my mother-in-law (she watched the children while I got my car going once again).
I finally signed up at a gym. After working at a gym for two years in Seattle, it turns out I have a lot of expectations that small town gyms can’t fulfill…like childcare being included in the membership. BUT! I found a great gym that has awesome classes and the most affordable childcare. Major bonus that it is the closest one to me.
Playdates. I love getting together with other moms but unfortunately my children don’t seem to like it as much. Max gets extremely territorial and starts acting like a feral child with no social skills. I always end up feeling like my mothering skills are shoddy which results in me never wanting to have my children around other children. I keep trying not to take it personally, I know they are there own little persons with personalities and strengths and weaknesses but it feels near impossible not to have all of their behavior feel like a direct result of your weaknesses and failings.
I went to a writing group for the first time Tuesday night. It took me a couple of months of forgetting and nervousness and unpreparedness to actually get myself there with some work to critique. But it went great and I was really glad to get some support from fellow writers. They liked my stuff. Still a shock to me that anyone likes what I write. So thanks for all of you who enjoy these ramblings of mine.
Snapshots from this week:
And that is what I have learned in the first 5 days.
I love that snow takes the darkness that overwhelms this time of year and just brightens everything; mother earth’s flashlight. This natural flashlight physically AND emotionally lightens hearts. I see it everywhere; adults act like children and frolic just as readily through the crisp landscape, everyone staring out their windows in wonder as the fat flakes fall and land like a magic trick. Tension disperses from my heart as I drive and expand my peripheral view and take in how beautiful it all looks.
It contrasts against the reality that for many, the literal darkness parallels loneliness, loss, and heartache. I still feel great pangs of loss this time of year. The lack of James’ physical presence is made more apparent in sending out Christmas cards, hanging stockings, and selecting gifts. I still think about him most at night, when it is darkest. It is difficult to not let those dark feelings overcome the joy this season can bring.
But when I see the snow, I am reminded of light and the power that it possesses to take even the darkest day of the year and illuminate it. Even the smallest bit of light disperses dark.
That is why I have such hope despite all the bad in the world. Christmas is a celebration of the birth of Christ and He himself said,
“I am the light of the world: he that followeth me shall not walk in darkness, but shall have the light of life.” (John 8:12)
Though we know that He was not actually born on December 25th, the actuality that we celebrate His birth close to the darkest day of the year is a powerful symbol. His coming to earth was literally Heavenly Father sending light to illuminate and dispel the darkness. His birth was miraculous as the snowflakes that fall and cover everything, He too blankets the earth with a bright hope.
In an effort to remember James more, I reminded my family that we should be praying for him in our family prayers more regularly. Max has taken this to heart more than anyone and requests to say almost every single family prayer and you know what he says? Each time Max utters a sincere prayer of gratitude, “Thank you that James can be resurrected someday.” Each time a little more light flows into my heart. Even though Max is only four years-old, he understands being resurrected means that James will be brought back to life, that we will see him again.
That is the hope and joy His life brings. Those who are lost will be returned. Hearts broken will be healed. Comfort and peace will come through acknowledging the light is there.
We just have to pull back our perspective and see how He illuminates this entire world and covers it in His grace.
“Wherefore, ye must press forward with a steadfastness in Christ, having a perfect brightness of hope, and a love of God and of all men.” (2 Nephi 31:20)
His light is there and it brings joy, a joy even greater than a child discovering the first snow of the season.
I hope and pray you all have a joyous and merry holiday season filled with light. Merry Christmas!
I was thinking a little more about this project and kicked myself for being so self-absorbed in my privilege. I am doing this as a personal choice to step away from consumerism, but for a majority of the world, this way of life isn’t a choice, it is just reality. People struggle to pay the bills. There are people who struggle to keep a roof over their head and food on their table. There are people in war torn countries who don’t have access to basic necessities and live in constant fear. They don’t have the luxury of “too much.”
So, I don’t necessarily think what I am doing is brave. I just feel like with everything going on in the world, I am done coping with it all by buying things. I want to break the cycle of shopping to relieve stress; because, to truly honor my privilege I feel that I should live as authentically as possible. To practice more empathy, to feel all of the feelings and recognize that those feelings are what truly connect us.
Kindness. Fear. Love. Anxiety. Patience. Stress.
We all feel them. I would just rather feel them about people than transfer it on to buying more stuff. Does that make sense?
Now don’t get me wrong. I don’t think shopping in general is wrong or bad. Just the over-consumption and the obsession with it.
Anyways, thank you again. Because even though it feels silly and trivial, the need to buy is a strong addiction and I expect some growing pains.
Snapshots:
Daniel HATES snow. (15 months)
Last week I mentioned challenging myself more seriously to do away with excess consumerism and focusing even more on what matters most.
Well if you can believe it, starting in January I am doing a major decrease in shopping.
Inspired by the blog Blonde on a Budget, I am banning myself from purchasing anything new for an entire year.
Ok! ok! There is more too it than that so don’t freak out quite yet! There are rules in place so that we don’t starve as a family, keep clean, and still enjoy life. I will explain more of why I decided to challenge myself this way, but first, here are the rules.
Things I am allowed to buy:
Experiences include going out to eat (limited to twice a month), going to zoos or museums, movies, concerts, water parks, and travel. To me experiences embody the spirit of focusing on what lasts; memories stay with you forever and time spent with loved ones or even on personal goals builds healthy relationships and greater love. That is EXACTLY what I am trying to get at here!
Guys, this is going to be hard and just thinking about it makes me nervous. But at the same time, I am really excited because I know it is possible! I have everything I need, everything else is just excess really. I just have to chant that when it gets hard.
So why am I doing this?
Because I believe that shopping takes up too much of my time.
Because I know that I spend money unnecessarily on things that end up as clutter.
Because I want to more aggressively attack our student loans.
Because I want to practice self-control.
Because I want to be satisfied with what I have.
I want to slow down, I want to simplify, I want to connect.
I want to focus on being instead of having. (@zerowastehome)
I am ready. I know it will be challenging and frustrating, but I know that it will be worth it. I know this will stretch me in the best possible ways and teach me lessons that I wouldn’t learn otherwise.
There have been a lot of resources I have utilized to get me to this point, but I want to share some of them with you in case you want to know more.
Becoming Minimalist
SUCH a good resource! Great posts and awesome links to other like-minded blogs. This is an internet wormhole worth going down. I especially love his weekly round up of articles!
Blonde on a Budget
She has successfully completed a no shopping ban for a year and is on her second year (in a row!). Most of my personal challenge comes from her inspiring success.
Hands Free Mama
She has another book and a blog, but so far I have just read this book. I love it. It is meant to be read over the course of a year but borrowing from the library doesn’t afford me that luxury. It is still just as inspiring and helpful, especially as a stay-at-home mother.
“Of Things That Matter Most”
This has been an influential talk since I first heard it and more recently he has spoken about simplifying and finding joy despite circumstances (find those here and here respectively).
Slow Your Home Podcasts
These are basically interviews with all of my favorite simplifying blogs. Good stuff.
The Small Seed
A spiritual and thoughtful-living blog. I love its posts and resources.
The Life-Changing Magic of Tidying Up
A best-selling book on finally getting rid of the clutter once and for all. I really enjoyed reading it an implementing it as best I could.
Zero Waste Home
This lady’s four person family produces enough garbage a year to fit into a glass jar. No joke. Her book is ripe with steps and tips for eliminating waste and focusing on reuse.
Harmless Home
This blog is written by the same friend who introduced me to Becoming Minimalist. She no longer writes on it but I still utilize her advice for creating a toxic-free home. Plus I still get to text her for personal queries! She is so well-researched and thoughtful, I love everything she sends my way.
Budget Bytes
This is one of my favorite food blogs. I started using it when I was first learning how to cook and her recipes were perfect for our small budget and growing tastes. Her recipes remind me that food doesn’t have to be complicated or expensive to be good and healthy. I still use many of her recipes weekly. Her copycat Olive Garden Zuppa Toscana is especially amazing!
Thanks for reading about my crazy life and thoughts. I plan on updating my progress as often as feels necessary here on the blog and I love knowing that there are people supporting me my crazy ideas. Wish me luck!
